Tuesday, May 06, 2008

If Happiness Is a Bluebird, Then I'm Going to Build a Birdhouse in My Soul

I am, at heart, a happy person. I know this, because sometimes when I am exercising and my heart is really pumping good, I can feel the happiness all the way into the core of my being. Not endorphins, happiness.

But there are things that can cloud my happiness. Usually some small thing - perhaps something someone said, or the way they said it, or the way they looked when they said it... you get my drift. Sometimes I walk around awash in the dirty water draining off of everyone elses psyches. And it occurs to me that I tend to hang on to these negative feelings far more strongly than I do to positive ones. How many times have I thought "I feel so good right now, I really hope this feeling will last!" ? I know I've posted about feeling that way with my own son right here on this blog. But when I'm under the dark cloud, well, I just might as well stay there - no umbrella - getting soaked to the skin. The effort of running for shelter seems worthless, burdensome. And sometimes I'll just wallow in the muddy water, drowning in self pity, anger, bitterness and ultimately, self condemnation.

While I have no problem taking credit for my happy feelings, the negative ones beg to be blamed on someone else. But as tempting as it is to play the blame game, deep down I know that the only one responsible for my feelings, be they good OR bad, is me.

Today, I choose happiness. I will try to focus my energy on being happy, and make the effort to STAY happy. I'm not going to try to distract myself from any bad feelings - they will need to be dealt with eventually - but I want to keep at the front of my mind the fact that I am, at heart, a happy person.