Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A Fresh Start (alt. title: "Love, and a Leatherman")

OK, I'm back home now. The Leatherman has been found. It was in the pocket of TFH's blue coveralls. He took it from Ben about a week ago, because Ben wanted to play "Plungerman" (?!!) I don't know exactly what "Plungerman" is. No one does save Ben, that is. It doesn't involve the plunger in the bathroom, thank God. Today I dropped Ben off at his first day of First grade - we decided to go with the Montessori this year, as I still have yet to receive anything from the public school where he attended Kindergarten last year telling us when school starts. (The answer is: TODAY!) TFH has doctors appointments all day today, set up by the VA to determine his veterans medical benefits. Look at me! I'm alone! I'm all alone in my house! (shuffle-ball-change, sashay... jazz-hands!)

Monday, September 03, 2007

Work often gives me the distance I need to put my life into perspective. I have been thinking about the whole Leatherman thing. I have been thinking about how I could have handled it - handled my reaction - better. A wise friend once told me to discipline with love, rather than anger. I really want to do this. Oh, I wish I would remember, when I am standing over my small child with my scolding finger up, just how much I love him. I can't imagine that my angry words and demeanor carry anything but a negative message and associated memory for him, or for that matter, me. Like the time I told him that I was so angry at him that I could just about spank him. We don't spank, I personally don't believe in it, but that's what I got for being naughty as a child. However, that's beside the point, because the point is that I don't even remember what he did that made me that angry! I only remember the threat and the effect it had on poor Ben. When I'm at work, like today, and I won't see him again probably until his first day of first grade on Wednesday - I think about how lucky I am: how much I love that boy. And I feel a profound sense of regret for my actions. I have no proof that Ben is actually even responsible for the disappearance of the Leatherman. We may very well find it right where we left it when we used it last. (When did I use it last?!) Or maybe Ben buried it in the dirt. If he did, will I remember to discipline with love? That, my friends, is the million dollar question. For me, anger is a habit that has become a way of life. I'm trying, I'm trying to let it go. There are some things that are helping, like exercising more, and cutting waaaaay back on my sugar intake. But sugar doesn't create angry feelings. It, like hormones, only elevates feelings that are already there. It is entirely up to me to come to terms with my anger, and eventually correct my behavior. Then, maybe Ben will learn to express himself in a loving way as well. Love: it really is all you need. Wednesday, September 5th: I wrote this post last Sunday when I should have been taking a nap before my all-nighter to London. I have a Word Document program on my PDA on which I can compse, then hot-synch with our computer and then cut/paste to blogger. But then I wouldn't have been able to post it until today. So instead, I re-typed it Monday at one of the common internet computers in the crew room at the layover hotel, trying my best to type with two fingers, spell check, and publish within my 15 minute time limit with people waiting in line to use it after me. I forgot to put the title up. Oh well.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Hey Everybody, What Time Is It?

Whoa! Where did the time go?! School starts this Wednesday - we made it through the summer! Yeah! As promised, I'm hosting a round of Monday Missions for September (and one on October 1st) The first topic will be for Monday, September 10th and since I know it will be a crazy week, for me at least, I wanted to post the topic early so as to have a week to compose it (and myself!) Topic #1 - everybody's favorite back-to-school assignment: "What I did this summer." Feel free to make a mockery of this, or play it straight. Use of pictures is encouraged, though not required. I'm off to fly the friendly skies - Have Fun!