Sunday, February 11, 2007

So Unsexy

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful so unloved for someone so fine I can feel so boring for someone so interesting so ignorant for someone of sound mind -Alanis Morissette I need a project. Or a personal trainer. When I am involved in a project, like the Pre-Christmas Home Improvement Extravaganza!, I lose weight. It's taken 2 1/2 months, but I've managed to balloon back up to 180 lbs. 180 lbs!!! Unless I'm pregnant (which, by the way will not happen again - ever...) I refuse to cross the threshold to 181. I'm tall, 5'9'' and have broad shoulders, but still, 180?! I love to swim. Swimming is the only form of exercise that I like well enough to actually do on a regular basis. And as a military dependant I can use the really fabulous pool on base *for free*. But the round trip drive is nearly three hours, and after a swim and shower etc. well, you can do the math... I hate making excuses because there is no excuse for my current weight. If you eat sensibly, then there is no need to diet right? So we can assume that I have not been eating sensibly. If you are physically active on a regular basis, then you don't need to start a "fitness routine", right? so we can assume that I'm not currently very physically active. If I continue to make these comparisons, you can assume that we just watched "The Princess Bride"... (right.) It wasn't a McRestaurant, or the media, or society that "made me gain weight" - we don't go to McRestaurants, and nobody is forcing food into my mouth. Only I can claim resposibility for my current size. Curiously enough my current size is 12. I wore a size 12 in High School when I was about as big around as a bean pole. How is it that now, when I am 35 to 40 pounds over my desired weight I am wearing the same "size"? If you put my size 12 Dockers purchased last week next to my size 12 Jordache's from High school, you might just reach the conclusion that I have, which is that clothing companies have changed the way they size clothes in order to make us buy more of them. It's totally a snow job. If I won't buy clothes because I've gained weight and refuse to have the fat/skinny wardrobes hanging in my closet, then just lead me to believe that I am still a size 12. I really do believe that we, as a nation, are weighing in a little heavier than we should (was that delicate enough?) I also believe that back in 1980, my size 12 Dockers would have been more like a size 16. This is the year that I will try to eat more consciously: instead of just eating to fill my stomach, I'll try to eat to nourish my body. I just had my husband take a package of "Newman-O's" out to lock in his truck. Seriously, it's a problem; if there are cookies in here, I will eat them. My father and Cookie Monster and me = no self control. I really love the Alanis Morissette song referenced at the top of this post. All that insecurity - so many of us women struggle with it. And no matter how often my husband tells me how beautiful I am, or what a great body I have (is he blind?!) - I won't believe it until I look in the mirror and like what I see.

7 comments:

NotSoSage said...

ugh. yes...I'm there, too. sometimes, though, I feel like it's time to accept that this is where I am...even though I was cycling to and from work five days a week for the whole summer, I continued to wear the same pant size. true, I did feel better about myself and I had more energy, and that, in the end, is what I'm going for, which is why I have to find a winter activity that works for me (I won't brave our roads on a bike in the winter).

as you know, I was a competitive swimmer in another life and it's my favourite form of exercise, but a shoulder injury (and, to be honest, the cost) makes it hard to return to (not to mention that getting into a bathing suit when you don't feel totally hot doesn't exactly do wonders for your self esteem).

yes, if there's any evidence of how screwed up we can get, it's that we refuse to believe that we are attractive to the person we most want to convince. now that I've written that, I don't know whether that's us or our partners!

good luck!

Swistle said...

I like swimming, too. Ever since I learned of the existence of such a thing, I've been pining for a "swim treadmill"--it's a little tiny pool with a constant current you can swim against. Want. Want.

theflyingmum said...

Swistle,
Wow, they really make those for home use? I've seen them on TV, I guess, but they're in gyms and fitness clubs...
Now I must Google "swimming treadmill."

Sara said...

Oh god, i'm there too, and past you even since I am only 5"4. the mommy body sucks. :) I have resorted to going to the gym at 5AM....I actually like it though--me time at the beginning of the day. I'm down 5lbs without starving...woohoo!

theflyingmum said...

nss: I totally agree with your last comment. Although there are those times when I think "can't he see what a prize I am...?" but I'm usually really pissed at him at that point.
sara:
Whoa! 5:00 am? Really? My eyelids will not stay open before 6:30 - 7:00 lately. Good for you on the 5 lbs too!

McMama said...

i love that morrissette lyric. really hit home with me today.
I had red cake (which i lovingly prepared in honor of vday) for a mid morning snack and then for lunch.
Then I wonder why i am in the blubbly shape i'm in.

theflyingmum said...

mcmama:
My mom broght the giant sized bag of peanut valentine's m&m's over yesterday. Of course I opened them (secretly) right after she left. I planned to go for a nice long walk today, but it is raining cats & dogs, and with all that sugar in me, I might just melt...